To Be Senegalese

Just as any little sister would want to tag along with her big brother, I find myself wanting to tag along with my host brother Yankhoba. My host brother Yan, has been a true brother to me and I'm very grateful for our brother-sister closeness. Though he usually doesn't invite me to come along with him to his friend's house, on this particular day he did. I think he felt sorry for me because it was a Friday night and I had nothing to do but sleep.

We went over to his friend's house and found him in the midst of making tea, a Senegalese tradition that usually involves drinking up to three small glasses of very strong tea which progressively get weaker and easier to drink. It's very good for keeping you awake.

As he made more tea, more and more of their friends arrived along with them entered a roach--cafard in Wolof. For anyone who knows me, you know of my deep rooted fear in roaches. I can't stand them and I usually let out a high pitched scream when I see one. You will be happy to know that I did not do so this time. I did however show enough discomfort for them to laugh at me and promptly kill the roach.

Another roach crept into the room and another and each were killed but at the last I received a shake of the head. "You are not Senegalese," I was told. "A Senegalese woman would not be afraid of a cafard."

It's a phrase said with a negative condemining feel to it that I truly do not appreciate. I was told again a few days later that in order to be Senegalese, I must speak to everyone when I enter a room or a place no matter what. Sometimes I forget to say hello to everyone after a hard day at work but this is something that I must do in order to be Senegalese. And I certainly can't be quiet.

There is a common theme I've experienced here in Senegal and that is that I must be here to learn how to be Senegalese. Now I do not recall mentioning that I ever wanted to be Senegalese. I'm American, I understand that I'm American and that there are certain things I will not be able to do such as get over my fear of roaches. It's just not going to happen.

I'm sure that somewhere there is a Senegalese woman who truly doesn't like roaches and wants to scream when she sees one but doesn't because she knows that is not Senegalese. And there has to be someone in this country that doesn't like talking to people all of the time. But I suppose the difference between those people and me is that they can hide those things while I cannot hide who I am.

It's not that I don't want to be Senegalese, it's that I understand that I am not and it is not possible for me to be at this time. So why this constant pressure to do things and be things Senegalese?

I think that they know that there is somewhere in those that come here a desire to connect with Senegal and her people and this is they way they try to express that belief. But it is not wanting to be African that I desire. It's a connection to Africa and an accpetance of who I am. And that I suppose, is what I am still searching for.